Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
How naked do you want me to be?
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