420 ftw
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
