two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
