We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
