the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
