Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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