i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
