when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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