Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
