fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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