ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And then my night got REAL pukey
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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