not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
