i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
