We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
