my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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