Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I won the penis lottery.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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