thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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