That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
