I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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