in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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