take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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