my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
