3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
