babies were throwing up all over the place
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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