You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
