...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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