i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
