i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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