After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
