At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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