The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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