hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
