my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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