rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize