I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
