I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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