I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
