Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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