cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize