"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
