final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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