I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
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