I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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