I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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