I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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