we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
