I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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