so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
