im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
