she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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