if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
