Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
