get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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