I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
