i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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