I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
